HARD TO FORGIVE

My mother-in-law, Jean Beatley, was a wonderful woman of faith.  As is often the case, she was the glue that held the whole family together.  No one was for long a stranger to Jean, for she had an embracing personality.  I’m proof of that, for she readily accepted me into the family and treated me like a son.  She baked the best pies, and no one could ever leave her home hungry.

We were living in Astoria.  Grandma Jean lived in St. Helens, about an hour away.  Our youngest daughter eagerly anticipated her fifth birthday because after that, she would be allowed to spend the night with grandma.  We were all looking forward to an anticipated visit by Jean, as she had planned to visit soon.

It was 26 years ago last month.  We received one of those calls you never want.  Laura’s brother called and informed us that mom had been killed in a car accident.  She was on her way from playing volleyball, as she was still incredibly healthy for a 69-year-old.  A drunk driver, who had been drinking all day long, ran a stop sign and hit Jean’s car broadside, killing her on impact.  We found out later that he had a long rap sheet, detailing all his previous drunk driving escapades.

Anyone who has been involved in that kind of tragedy knows the emotions and heartache that is soon to follow.  We were engulfed in all sorts of pain and hurt and feelings that threatened to undo us.  How does one respond?  There was soon a trial, and we were there for that.  Justice needs to be served, and that’s what happened.  The judge sentenced the offender to seven years in prison.  But that did not rid our hearts of the pain or alleviate the grief we were experiencing.

As a family, we prayed together every day.  And it was amazing to hear our youngest daughter’s prayers.  Her heart was broken, but she still prayed daily for the man’s forgiveness.  Laura has such a forgiving spirit. That’s one of the reasons we’ve been married for over forty years.  And I walked with her through those difficult days.  She wanted for the man to face justice, but she harbored no bitterness in her heart against him. 

People do stupid things.  Sometimes intentionally, sometimes not.  We have a choice to make when we are offended, respond as Jesus would have us to, or listen to the devil.

Let me share just two passages with you:

• Ephesians 4:26-27, “Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil.”
• Ephesians 4:32, “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”

Note this—there are four individuals holding interest in any situation in which a person is offended: The one offended.  The one committing the offense.  The Lord Jesus.  And the devil.

Imagine yourself being the one who has been offended.  What are you going to do?

1. The devil has a plan.  He’d like for you to either ventilate or incubate your anger.  In either case, he gains an opportunity and potentially an advantage.  He loves to destroy people and their relationships.  If he can gain a foothold in your marriage, your family, your workplace, your classroom, your church, or your community, he wins a victory whereby he causes destruction and pain and hurt and loss.
2. The Lord Jesus has a plan.  He died on the cross for you.  As we saw in last week’s message, He’s extended forgiveness to you in amazing fashion, having canceled out your sin debt.  You owed an unpayable debt. He worked on the cross to set you free.  We are, in turn, to be practicing forgiveness, just as God in Christ has forgiven us.
3. Then there is you.  The one who has been offended.  You can either hold on to the debt you feel you are owed in the offense or follow Christ’s example.  The devil would love for you to demand repayment!  To do that is kind of like locking yourself in a jail cell and being forced to watch reruns of the offense you’ve suffered, while the devil whispers in your ear about your need to get even somehow.  As has been said, “Bitterness is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.”
4. Then there is the person who has offended you.  That person for whom Christ died.  Be they a believer of not, they have need of being reminded of Jesus and His capacity to forgive.  Forgiving someone is like pointing a finger in the direction of the cross.  I’ve been hurt by what you’ve done, but Jesus has shown me that the best path forward is to extend to you the same forgiveness that He has shown towards me.

Extending forgiveness is not easy.  We are reminded in that challenge of two important truths.  Apart from Jesus, we can’t do anything.  And, contrarily, we can do all things through Christ who strengthens us.  Forgiveness is something we do only as we walk with the Spirit and are led and empowered by Him.

Ken Sande wrote a wonderful book entitled “The Peacemaker.”  Though written long ago, it is readily available on Amazon (for $10.49).  You’ll find good, helpful, Biblical counsel in that book.  Here is what the author has said about the practical steps to take in extending forgiveness to someone:

When someone has wronged me, I will ask God to change my heart so that I want to forgive them.

When I forgive someone, with God’s help, I will take these steps:

1. I will not dwell on this incident.
2. I will not bring up this incident again and use it against you.
3. I will not talk to others about this incident.
4. I will not allow this incident to stand between us or to hinder our personal relationship.

I’m 68 years old today as it is my birthday.  I was a pastor for almost 30 years.  I’ve been a hospice chaplain for almost four years.  One thing I’ve learned over the course of my years in ministry—nothing works to cause more harm to ourselves or our relationships than an unwillingness to forgive!  On the other hand, the forgiveness of Jesus knows no bounds.  And when we forgive others, as He has forgiven us, we have the opportunity to shine a little of His light into this dark world. Forgiving someone is one of the most Christlike things we can do!